Fate ruled over me in fact I was astonished of my marks, in my result somewhere I felt I may get less marks, but it was something else, They say “Just move on even where there is no way a way will be made because nothing is impossible”.

Yes, I was failed, I don’t reason for my failures but yes I was failed I was depressed I had almost decided to end my life ….. Quit myself my family was furious nobody talked or cared me for many days what showed me from quitting was the motivational push from Adhi , I was successful in passing the subject in my second chance but failed to get back the people it was only my  mom Adhi and my bestie avani who stood my back……

The hatred from dad literally sucked me …

The time period after my plus 2 second chance result was just a shit family hatred no proper guts to face people I was mentally ill not knowing what I’m doing anymore. I was unable to focus on my life….. my failures all those irksome moments unwanted inadequate worthless inferiors somewhere I have lost myself in anxiety I worried about everything no confidence I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone who want me or close to me because I was convinced that I was stupid and worthless. After the outing everything was change between all three of us, yes there was shit of mess ruling in our lives deep inside Manu had lots of feelings for me neither I was very afraid to worth his feelings nor he never expressed me directly since his mom passed away I heard he had been shifted to Hyderabad with his relatives things are cleared in my mind that he would never come back to me ,watching his snaps with his other girl Aruna there was no future expectations in me… Somewhere Adhi also hated me and ignoring me for his personal love life huge dark void was inside of pretending everything was okay…..

With all the support of Adhi I joined my applied science graduation college, That day I wrote “The best part of my day was realizing my future and The worst was realizing what was in my future” in the first page of my book…..

My parents had no idea, what I was going through I was in deliberate pain, it sears everywhere in me I was not able to bear. I wish I had never met the people who are going far away from me now.

The failure me, The psych me, The detached me, The lone me, it was hurting I used to curl up like ball on the bed I needed a deep sleep In fact to escape from this I need to sleep forever.

Expectations hurts, indeed they hurt extremely when the opposite person was your loved one.

All scenario and ignorance from both side leads to severe healthy issues and I was mentally ill later my mom decided I was depressed I really left the house spent quite a lot of time in bed, ate infrequently and left alone always by thinking about death, I use to calm down for myself by “Its ok I ‘am fine,” But in reality those seemed to have no effect I was just not understanding what was happening to me it was nothing I had ever experienced it before.

With all my hard times I made effect to meet Adhi help me” I ‘m scared “I cried, He was the only one who always makes me feel safe.

“Cool down, I ‘am here “he made me to fall asleep after some time, He asked me “what’s wrong? how is life? how about new academics? I was just in silence.

I never told him that I was afraid of losing you and even Manu was neglecting me, my emotions were spiraling out of control.

He came close to me I could not respond I closed my eyes willing whatever gripping me to go away I felt Adhi’s hand on my back he was rubbing my back trying to calm me ,Take a deep breath ,He said I did everything was calm now and it was just for that movement nobody was meeting my expectation. I was going through the toughest phase of my life.

Meanwhile my PCOD reached at heights due to imbalance. When I was awake it was just a blank wall with saline injected to my hand, I took a pill and slept like corpse the truth was I never wanted to get up. The next morning I tearfully asked my aunt who was seated beside my bed,” what was wrong with me?” “you are just realizing that the world  is scary place” she said. Yeah, may be..  Nope I was just kidding, the world terrifies me every night of my life and I don’t know why or how to stop it.

During those days naps are not only a nicely but a necessity or sometimes I want to with draw to my bed to escape life for time being .indeed sleep comfort me always.

The day after discharge I had a call from Manu even he was in hard times family goals, being orphan, responsibilities, and careers. He never said me directly that, he had loved me.. either I have not cleared up my mind and assure my love for him ,but things were cleared in my mind that no future, no expectations. All I haunted is for some peace right now. All these things ended up with his big question mark ME or ADHI? That really killed me I was just confused with my things around in my head

Remembering the words, from Geeta


Which say for him who has conquered the mind, the mind is the best of friends, but for one who has failed to do so his mind will remain the greatest enemy and I hang up the call……

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