The pills were to be taken twice a day, the large red one and two little yellow and a white, they taste really bitter. I had no idea what they were for. Each morning Adhi and my mom stood in front of me with tablets in one hand and a glass of water in other. Same story repeated almost for 2 months. Do Medicines working well? Asked Adhi.. I said I don’t know but I’m sleeping better than before I said him... Meanwhile the big question ME OR ADHI and the words “It’s not selfish to be loved, when you have been loving all along” from Manu were whirling in my head.

  It was just “UNDEFINED BOND “with Manu, Sometimes some bonding are undefined but it’s hard to give the perfection for it, in every angle, Then I thought “Is there anything on earth which is beautiful left undamaged”?,As his Mother and Myself were vital to him, In very last call he addressed me As “Maaa” it was so intense, careful and affectionate  I felt like I’m dropping the baby at the middle ,and  then I texted Manu” ITS ADHI ONLY ADHI” but still I prefer your friendship too...There was no reply and in fact there was no expectations leftover for his reply too… Meanwhile Adhi shifted to other place to continue his further studies that really broke me more… That day I was breathing hard, there were tears running down my face…He just went off without informing as he knew the scenarios. I was tired of all moving away from me. I wanted to end it .There was only one way out of this misery. It was my only escape, quietly but determined. I had made up my mind to take my own life.

I started attending regular counselling sessions and started attending spiritual camps of SHRI RAMAKRISHNA ASHRAMA somewhere being spiritual was keeping my peace. Meditation chanting mythological hymns was giving me the positive vibes. There was nothing that could harm me anymore. The suicidal thoughts and anxiety was just a night mare, I was looking forward to meet Guru weekly once. His preaching’s were not only supportive but I felt very confident that I would get well soon. More than anything else it was his unwavering faith in me that gave me courage. I was totally away from the my people, family, friends, cousins, and I felt like I was wasting my precious time, positive energy, great efforts somewhere in unwanted thoughts instead that can be invested in creating myself better. Working as a trainee for small kids made my mind grow well, and diverted me to the new world of hopes.

Everything was well after couple of months. I started accepting my reality world. For Adhi “I was always wanted to be Doer not Doubter” so with good knowledge, life was perfect without any expectations that was really feeling me light MY SQUAD,OUTINGS, SPIRITUAL CAMPS, SLIGHT FIGHTS WITH ADHI ON CALL, everything seems to be SWITCHING ON TO THE SUNSHINE at the same time ,Manu was just a nightmare. Life was indeed unpredictable and it was true that it could take a sudden unexpected turn. The Bhagavad-Gita texts always kept my mind calm, That day these words created positive vibes in me :


which means The real form of Banyan tree(material life)cannot be perceived in this world. No one can understand when it ends, where it begins, or where its foundation is. But with determination one must cut down this tree with weapon of detachment, So doing one must seek that place from which having once gone, one never returns, and their surrender to that supreme personality of god head from whom everything has begun and in whom everything is abiding since time is immemorial.

Many days later Adhi had given a surprise visit and met me. We had an outing for my refreshment, we were on the top of the hill, soothing breeze made me to sit in silence and enjoy being with myself.

ADHI: What are you thinking? (He broke the silence).

ANU :(I was just silently blank..) Listen, I quit my relationship with Manu, I don’t know whether he wanted to leave me or I choose to quit him.

ADHI: What really? And you didn’t think it was important to talk to me about it or discuss it with me before hand? (I hated his fury).

ANU: It just happened, I don’t know.

ADHI: Okay.. (With his cold looks.)

ANU: Okay seriously? Say something?

ADHI: I’m just trying to process the things now, Dude give me time.. And tell me the reason at least; what made you guys to take such big decision.

ANU: I just don’t know. It was rude when he gave me an option in relationships just like multiple choice questions, seems like he was possessive and I was to figure it              out and I was not happy with what he was, so he gave an option and I choose to be with you over him... As simple as it is.

ADHI: So he didn’t leave you? It’s you, who chooses to leave him and chose me right?

ANU: Somewhat like that but I’m feeling better now that’s it.

ADHI: Fuck your Better!!!You take such a big step without even involving me in it...

ANU: I was just scared to tell you that may be it would ruin something between us and you know that I wasn’t happy with relationship right? And moreover you were happy with your new life, friends and enjoying your own love life. So I thought why to intrude you in such unnecessary things. After all, it was my own decision. JUST CHILL!!!

ADHI: Chill? I know ma’am it’s your own decision, and I also know that it’s your own life but you should have at least spoken to me, we would have gone through this. See now it effects all three of us..

ANU: Wait all three of us?

ADHI: Yes, including me you should not have ended it like this. I hate you for this just move aside.

ANU: Dude please why aren’t you asking me are you fine now?? Instead of being rude..

ADHI: I’m not rude Waste; I’m just concerned about you. You never understand me and my point of view.. You are such an asshole that you just move with people randomly who makes you happy only for that moment isn’t it? and for you  Zindagi me koyi priorities nahi hi..! You seem like an open book to all, if you can’t balance then better stay away from people. Don’t do this shit.

ANU: Listen you are sounding too rude n you know what is my condition now. If this is how you want to talk then better don’t talk to me… Even you hide many things from me, regarding your personal love life and all. Do you remember how considerate I was for your irresponsible relationship things?

ADHI: So? Don’t compare I just hate it, that was long ago okay, things have changed now… “PEOPLE CHANGE AND THEIR PRIORITIES TOO”

ANU: So that’s great Adhi.. You changed because I was not in your prior list now..? Wahoo! Thank God I’m at least confessing my things but you never uttered single word of your relationship.

ADHI: Stop it.. Just think for a while, don’t you realizing we are growing up now?

ANU: So we continue to grow up irrespective of our random things.

ADHI: No I want to grow up in particular direction.

ANU: Exactly which is why, I ended that relationship, by the way what is the difference if I have my same decision after our discussion.

ADHI: wow this is how you make me so important? You better not say me like I did..

ANU: Better stop talking about the importance u give to me, hiding many things from me till now.

ADHI: Its better if you end it with me also I’m not that happy that you choose me over him, I know deep inside you are in need of his friendship and you know that he had developed feelings for you... I would have rather helped you both to fix yourself together.

ANU: Stop it!!You are my friend and you care me right? Why don’t you ask “Are you okay?” Ok let’s figure it out and clear it together instead of creating this mess...

He just ignored it all. As usual we went back like nothing happened...Since I was a patient, everyone used to treat me with extra care and concern specially Adhi, and I was fragile. While I enjoyed their extra care and attention, sometimes I was feeling a lot tougher now then I had ever been earlier. Adhi went back to his place as his holidays ended. This time it was really difficult to me to give him a send-off, I missed him more. Besides, all that Adhi had started, all the possible ways to get back Manu behind me, nothing worked, but deep inside I was happy with my decision, Yeah to make beautiful life, we need to find our own little sops that comfort us. Just find the beauty in yourself where there is none “Expect nothing AND appreciate everything “is what I believed in. Those moments were making me feel like ‘your thoughts are going to eat you alive’, and make you do things, you regret, stop for a minute and go do something you really enjoy. We are not responsible for others’ actions. Those are the choices they make, neither can we control there being nor can we blame our self. But by presuming that it was something you did that made them act in certain way hurts.

Somewhere either Manu Never approached me directly that he did not love me nor Adhi never had agreement to stay with me forever. Thinking of few things for moment that Trick your brain into looking for positive instead of negative even in bad situation there is always something good in it. I was really very comfortable and relaxed; nothing was feeling heavy inside me. I loved the way I was changing. Finally that moment arrived which I was waiting for. I finally checked out my results “OH! God it’s me I was back “I took my time to understand what that means and came to terms with reality. Maybe it was little but there is always something good in everything and every day.

Yo..!,I made it yes!!!I just grabbed my results that said ‘Distinction’ which was an unbelievable moment. Can’t just express I wanted to show everyone out there that I was not a looser and I have that fucking knowledge to prove them all, From then I was just moving for myself, never cared for other just moving on with life… After couple of weeks the phone rang with display of unknown number… 

(Episode 10-Unexpected Heart-break)

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